I wish it was all a daydream…

You know when you daydream about something happening? You know for a fact that, something like that would never happen to you?

Well see, I used to daydream that bear guy and I would end up together. He would just take over my thoughts. On and off, for days he’d just be there in my mind. You know when you really like someone that’s what happens. As much as you don’t want to think about that certain someone, it just happens suddenly and then altogether.

Jenny Han said it best “so um, love and dating. I love to read about it, and it’s fun to write about and to think about in my head but, when it’s real… it’s scary. Because the more people you let into your life, the more that can just walk right out.”

See today, bear guy made a confession. An indirect, one I might add, and he used the phrase “I think you’re special”.

Any girl would be head over heels if that were said to them. I don’t like it, why? Well because I’ve heard it before and that guy hurt me. Just like this guy is hurting me now. The sad truth is that even if I wanted to be with him, I can’t. (For reasons I will not disclose). And thinking and talking about and to him hurts. I haven’t been hurt like this in a while.

This makes me sick, I physically feel sick. I can’t eat, sleep and I just want to wallow for a week but I can’t. I knew from the beginning that it could never happen and yet I let myself fall like an idiot. Like I do, every.. single.. time. And I’m sick of it.

You know the phrase “it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”? Well I think that’s a bunch of crap. BECAUSE THIS HURTS. Writing this, thinking about this, feeling this… HURTS.

It hurts to know how I feel and how he says he feels and not being able to be together. The only question I keep asking myself is “why now?” Why not.. before when things were simpler?

What I’ll leave you with tonight is… guard your heart. loving in this world is really hard and yes we all have to endure it but please just know you’re going to be okay. It’ll all work itself out. (Yes I’m telling myself this right now)

🍵

p.s the feelings for my best friend wereeeee not exactly real but that’ll be explained in another post.

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Sleep well ❤️

I think I like my best friend…

Okay totally not clickbait lol. Wait, is that even a thing on blogs? Also, 2 days ago was my 2 year anniversary with WordPress yay!

Alright let’s get into it. I will never ever let him find my blog site so I can spill, freely…

I’m single, he’s single. BUT, I mean I never really saw him like that. Well, in the beginning I did a tad but then it went away because of bear guy.

The story is, my best friend and I made a bet. If he lost, he had 2 options.. create a hinge OR sing a song for 30 seconds in front of me.

HE LOST lol funny right? Awesome right? Shouldn’t I feel like SUCH A WINNER? Yes.

NO NO NO…. He created a hinge and matched with someone and THE JEALOUSY I FELT when he told me.… it was alarming.

I turned into a loon, like literally my voice message to him sounded like a deranged person that just couldn’t stop laughing. Ya know, like a woman that just found out she was cheated on and burns all her husbands clothes? That’s what I sounded like.. well to me lol

The thing is, I think I may have slowly started to like him.. maybe? Every time we hung out I think I’d stare at his eyes a little longer than I did before.

But on the other hand it’s like no, he’s my best friend. How could I see him like that. It’s weird, it’s almost unimaginable. I can’t picture us holding hands or being in each other’s space without slightly cringing.

I don’t know exactly what I feel right now. All I know is that if he talks to me about that girl I will lose it. I will push him away and cry my eyes out. I don’t know. I don’t know anything right now.

Moral of the story: NEVER make a bet with your best guy friend. He WILL lose and end up finding a match on Hinge which will then make you possibly realize you have feelings for him.

Thanks for listening to my Tea Talk…

Oh and uh p.s. I’m the one that kept insisting on him creating the profile and took his photos for him. YES I KNOW ITS MY FAULT. You don’t need to tell me….

🍵

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Just “BRUH”

Missing Puzzle Piece…

I think what bugs me most about Bear Guy is that… (not that I’ve imagined our life together, like completely) but that he would fit into my family quite well.

He’s a kid at heart, he can take a joke, he’s very thoughtful. I can just see him being crazy with our craziness. Although it might take him a little while to open up.

It feels like he is the missing puzzle piece. I’ve tried to imagine other crushes fitting in and I truly feel like they wouldn’t at all. I wouldn’t feel totally uncomfortable having him around me at a family gathering. Usually, as I’ve observed, having a significant other attend family events can go sideways. I think he would adjust well. Or should I say “could have”..

To update you, we’ve talked… but I’ve gotten to the point where I feel like I’m annoying him and I don’t want to be that girl. I deleted his number and quite honestly if he wants to speak to me he will. I don’t think I’ll be answering though. Why? Well, I feel like I need space. to… detach. He wasn’t going to be around forever.

As I’ve said before “And I’m just one of those stupid girls that fell for Kavinsky.” I need to relax and focus on anything other than him. He was fun for a while but I need to snap back into reality because unfortunately, we all knew him and I could never have been.

Anyway, I appreciate y’all listening to my rants about this guy. I still haven’t gotten into the “juicy” details but I will soon.

love ya matcha babes 💚

🍵

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I think about him when I listen to “island in the sun”.

Bear Guy…

Hmm, well I don’t think I gave my “new crush” a name. Let’s call him Bear Guy.

I will not disclose why that’s his name just yet but as you know, there’s always a reason.

Anyway, there is still a lot I haven’t told you but I really wanted to tell you the thoughts I had today.

I was watching a movie called Purple Hearts and I immediately thought of him. I imagine what it’d be like to have his head on my lap as I was sitting and how it would feel caressing his hair and face. I wondered if he’d feel safe with me.

I imagined what it would’ve been like to visit him and hug him tightly. Would he realize that the length of the hug would mean more than just an “I miss you old friend”?

• • •

It’s been a couple of days since I wrote that and to be honest, I kind of sound like a sappy romantic. Today, I don’t feel that way. Maybe it’s because I haven’t talked to him in a little while. It’s almost like what I feel fades but I know if I talk to or see him again I’d be all mushy.

Although I will say, I’m proud of myself for not reaching out to him. Look at that willpower. Willpower I didn’t have before haha. Also, I will not be waiiiiting for him to text me. Whatever happens, happens….

……right?

Anyway, I want to thank you all again for reading my rants haha! I’m thinking about switching things up on this blog so stay tuned!

I also have news about my health and school so definitely keep an eye out! Okay babes, ILYSMATCHA!

🍵

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Who doesn’t like stuffed animals when they’re lonely?

I guess that was goodbye…

Sometimes I think about going to NYC to tell him that his goodbye wasn’t enough. That his goodbye was bland and felt meaningless.

I wish I could show him what a real goodbye looks like because let’s face it… it’s an eternal/ permanent goodbye, not a “see you later”.

That day was hard for me. It felt like that scene in a movie where the love of your life is leaving to another country and you watch their plane take off and you wished they would have stayed. Oh, the drama. I know but it really felt that way.

I felt like I had so much pent up emotion and the hug we gave each other was very limp and apathetic. It wasn’t long and there weren’t any sparks. But I knew how I felt. And I knew what I wanted it to feel like. The problem was…

We were kind of being watched. So it had to be quick. I wanted to linger, I wanted to at least be able to feel his warmth and his arms wrapped around me tightly.

He was leaving and didn’t know if he’d even be back. Clearly he didn’t care to “risk it all”. He could’ve at least told me to walk with him to his car where we would’ve been alone. Instead I left first because I knew I couldn’t stand the sight of him watching me become emotional.

I cried in my car and that was that.

Although I do wish I could have my Rory/Jess bus moment “why did you come here…?” “Because you didn’t say goodbye”

🍵

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I’m a teenager again…

I’ve been feeling like a pouty 16 year old, no thanks to another stupid crush. Of course, what’s new honestly. I keep telling myself that I don’t want to let a guy determine my emotions. I really do try, I try not to think about him.

But then I have these moments when I think about him walking into where we met. I think about what it would be like to be at a karaoke bar, I’d be singing a love song and he’d walk in at the perfect moment. He’d look at me, yearning.

None of that would happen, of course, because he isn’t even here. He’s in another state probably meeting other girls just like me. “And I’m just another one of those stupid girls that fell for Kavinsky” is literally what I have in the back of my head at every waking moment.

Do you know what I really want? i want him to text me. I want him to text me and I want to leave him on read. Multiple times. I want him to feel what I feel. But he wouldn’t because he doesn’t even care about me. Like AT ALL.

Im just one of those girls he meets every time he travels to a new city. I sit here and think HOW IN THE WORLD COULD I BE SO STUPID?!

I hope y’all can relate because I’m sure I’m not the only girl feeling like this right now…

Anyway, I love y’all so matcha

🍵

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this is me.

This one’s a doozy…

The moment you’ve all been waiting for…

or at least my favorite stories to tell…

I’m back with another new crush haha

There is so much I need to spill and quite frankly I don’t think you’re ready.

Honestly is it even a surprise?

I will not disclose how we met just yet because I don’t feel it’s the right time.

So I met this guy; He’s around my age. I saw him often, I’d say. Yes, “saw”, just wait, we will get to that. So when we met, when he came into the door. I was pretty much starstruck. I thought I’d never seen a man that beautiful in person. His eyes, deep pools of glacial blue. I asked him if he needed some help and he said no. I stood there in wonderment. Hoping I’d see him again after he left and I did.

Days passed and there was nothing but silence between us and I simply couldn’t take it anymore. I will be honest, I am not sure what I uttered to him first. I definitely remember discussing what he wanted to do with his life and what I want to do with mine. It was brief but very nice. The only thing that bothered me was that when someone came our way he would act like we never talked. It was quite confusing honestly. Also, As far as I knew, he wasn’t seeing anyone. Then again, I was afraid to ask. I enjoyed our conversations and getting to know each other for about 2 months. The more I got to know him, the more I liked him. He is intelligent, he doesn’t need to say much for you to realize it. I think one of my favorite things about him is that he knows how to express himself. Not many men do, not in the way he does.

Anyway, that’s all I’m sharing for now!

ILYSMATCHA BABES

🍵

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Dear PartyGuy 💌

This letter is basically an apology as well as me explaining how appreciative I am of the time we spent getting to know each other.

I’m sorry that I was only talking to you because I felt lonely. At the time I didn’t realize it but shortly after I did.

I used to say Oh my gosh I totally regret talking to him. Honestly? I don’t think I do anymore. He showed me that there are still a few gentlemen out there.

He paid for me and he held doors for me. He was sweet and genuine. You really can tell he meant what he said.

I haven’t seen or heard from him in a long time. I hope he’s doing well. If you ever find this PartyGuy, hope you’re doing well (:

Love, 🍵

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I let go…

For those of you who let go of someone you later realized you shouldn’t have..

I just want to say I’m in that situation right now and it feels like my world is crumbling. I wanted so bad to cry today, but I could barely get myself to. I know I said that I set myself to stay just friends but I can’t change the way I feel.

Do you ever just meet someone and know that they will be a really big and important part of your life if you let them?

I discussed this with my cousin and she was right when she said that “he’s the one that got away”. When in reality what I did was push him away. I pushed him away because I was scared. My head was set on focusing on all of the negatives.

something keeps replaying in my head though,

I don’t remember why we were being sincere a couple of days ago but he said something that i really grasped.

He said he liked that he could be himself when he talks to me. i know it didn’t mean that much to him but it meant a lot to me.

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In Bullets

• I laugh so hard I cry.
• I get very annoyed and irritated by the things he says because he’s just so incredibly brilliant.
• Yes, brilliant.
• Although he doesn’t feel the same way.
• His heart is so kind he’d rather hint at me that he wants only to be friends and I agree.
• For the sake of our friendship and just knowing it won’t work out in the end.
• He is so good at making each girl feel like they are something of importance.
• I’m okay with it, staying friends.
• I tried to convince myself that telling him would be easy.
• Telling him how I feel.
• It would be something we can laugh about, it would be funny.
• But I can imagine the chaos.
• The overthinking, overanalyzing that comes so natural to me.
• It’ll take over.
• Then I think telling him is not such a good idea.
• It’s not like hearing it, knowing it and seeing it come out of my mouth would change anything.
• Now I’m back to square one.
• Feeling something I can’t tell anyone about.

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